*Please forgive the rambling nature. This post is pure and unproofed.
I held her cold hand for a while today. It was odd though. Her skin was just as soft as the last time I touched it. Her hands just as cold as they always were. She was always cold. It was like she was just going to wake up and miraculously tell us to put a blanket over her because she was cold. But, she was cold. Dead and cold. I don’t know what I expected sitting in the hospital room. Did I expect her to wake up? Did I expect her to look at me and smile? Did I expect her to squeeze back while I was holding her hand…cold cold hand. It was all so surreal.
Mom and I knew she was real sick these past two months. But, she was improving now with Dialysis. She was. I promise. For the last 4 nights, she had been able to stay at home on her own. She didn’t need someone to mirror her every move to make sure she was ok. She was good. She was getting better. She was.
I guess I can keep telling myself that she was getting better. She was. In the end though, it’s on God’s time. It was her time. Damn saying that sucks ass, and to this grieving heart it offers no solace.
We went back to Mom’s to do some cleaning after the funeral home took her body away. We know there will be tons of people visiting and bringing food. We are well loved. While I was cleaning the bathroom at Mom’s, it felt as if I were cleaning the house for Christmas. That we would all go and pick Maw-Maw up and bring her to the house for Christmas dinner tomorrow. But we weren’t. This was it. That was it. It was it. I mean….what do I say? It is what it is? That saying can kiss my ass right now.
Maw-Maw loved my writing. She never could wait to see the next magazine issue that I had written in. Not sure she’d love this one too much. Quite a lot of ass in here. *smirk*
I remember while growing up and standing beside her in church…hearing her voice. Man could she sing. My love of music came from her and Paw-Paw. The joy of cooking was found in her kitchen. The lesson of food is cooked with love was found in her kitchen. A lot of lessons were found in that kitchen. If only I had figured out the bread making….
Driving home tonight from Mom’s, it all hit me. That was my last grandparent. What does one do when they no longer have a grandparent to confide in? There’s nothing like a grandparent/grandchild bond. Nothing. But that’s it. It will have to live on in my heart.
Every single night, she would call me at 10pm. Mom, Maw-Maw and I were close like that. We were the 3 amigos, 3 muchachas, the 3 generations of strong, stubborn women. We shopped together, ate together, and cried together. I wouldn’t trade a single phone call or “I love you” for anything ever.
The last kitchen thing she said to me was when she called me while I was making my cinnamon rolls. She said she had a kitchen tip. “Place a wooden spoon on the top of a pot of boiling pasta water, and it will not boil over.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her I already knew, so I accepted my new piece of advice with love and thankfulness that she thought of me to tell me.
Oh shit. No more emails from her. She was an email queen. I was so happy when she figured out how to use the computer. She was a tech grandma for sure. Last email she sent me……was yesterday at 7:11pm. A religious one.
As I’m sitting here writing, I can still feel my hand holding hers earlier. Oh the softest skin. I’m sure I’ll forget what it feels like one day. Sad.
Words cannot express how sad I am. They can only express what I am feeling, and all of the thoughts I am trying to process. In a nutshell, the holidays have sucked ass thus far for my family. We can’t choose our time to leave, but I’m pretty sure Maw-Maw just didn’t want us to buy any Christmas gifts for her again this year. She hated us spending our money on her.
Devastated. Broken. Lost. They all apply. I feel like a huge chunk has been ripped from me. I guess it was. She was and is a big part of who I am today.
Now let’s hope this Ibuprofen PM kicks in soon. It’s going to be a long couple of days ahead. Days of sadness…….It’s like Mom has been saying… “What do I do now?”